As every tech bro knows, crypto-currency is the future. A brave future where you can own a digital certificate that proves you've bought a digital certificate, and every embarassing thing you've ever done is stored on the blockchain, forever.

There's money to be made in crypto, and so I'm delighted to announce the launch of BLUF's very own crypto currency, the BLUFcoin. We'll be partnering with some of the finest manufacturers of sex toys to allow you to use this unique currency to buy the weirdest dildos, most painful floggers, and whatever other depraved things you want, safe in the knowledge that they'll be traceable only to a blockchain id. And the nosy neighbour who saw them delivered.

Of course, many of you are rightly concerned about the environmental impact of blockchain technologies, and it's true that so far they have wrecked the planet, massively increased the price of graphics cards and brought coal fired power stations back online.

BLUFcoin will be different. Other crypto systems use the 'proof of work' system to make entries in the ledger or mine new coins, and it's this computationally intensive work that results in the massive energy use.

Instead, BLUFcoin will use an innovative - and completely renewable - way of recording transactions, called Proof Of Wank.

Instead of complex maths, BLUFcoin relies on moderately tricky long division sums for you to solve, while masturbating. Just ejaculate over the workings, and post your answer sheet back to us. The DNA sequence of your emissions is combined with the results of the long division to create a unique digital token for each transaction.

So, if you've been thinking about getting into crypto, but worried about the environmental cost, now is the time. BLUFcoin is the perfect way to start exploring, without worrying that you're destroying the planet.

Join the revolution, and crack out some BLUFcoin today. You have nothing to lose but the use of your wrist.